You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
-Homer Simpson

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams

What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

You laugh because I'm different........... I laugh cause I just farted!

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
- Homer Simpson

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
- Maryon Pearson

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ...
- Louis Hector Berlioz

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
- Robert Bloch

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.